Parental alienation is defined as the actions and attitudes displayed by one parent with the purpose of undermining and interfering with a child’s relationship with his or her other parent. There are many behaviors that can constitute parental alienation, including:

• Badmouthing the other parent by manufacturing or exaggerating personality flaws and characteristics.
• Limiting contact with the targeted parent through legal maneuvers and/or subtle pressure on the child to resist contact.
• Erasing the targeted parent from the life and mind of the child by forbidding discussion and pictures of the other parent, changing the child’s name, and encouraging the child to refer to someone else as "Mom" or "Dad."
• Forcing the child to reject the targeted parent.
• Creating the impression that the other parent is dangerous or unavailable.
• Belittling and limiting contact with the extended family of the targeted parent.
• Creating dependency on the parent and undermining the authority of the other parent.
• Interfering in normal parent-child communication.

Some children eventually succumb to the pressure placed on them through these emotional manipulations and ally themselves with one parent and become alienated from the other. Not all instances of child alignment is due to parental alienation. When it is, the alienated child will exhibit most if not all of these behavioral manifestations.

First: A campaign of denigration against the targeted parent. The child becomes obsessed with hatred of the targeted parent (in the absence of actual abuse or neglect that would explain such fear, hatred, and rejection). The child erases/denies past good memories and is eager to tell others about the flaws of the targeted parent.

Second: Weak, frivolous, and absurd reasons for the rejection of the targeted parent. The explanations for the rejection are often not of the magnitude that would typically lead a child to reject a parent, such as slurping soup or serving spicy food.

Third: Lack of ambivalence about both parents. The child sees one parent as all good and the other as all bad. The child idealizes the alienating parent, making statements such as,  "I love my father to death. He is my hero and I would do anything for him.”

Fourth: The child strongly asserts that the decision to reject the targeted parent is his or her own. This is what is known as the "Independent Thinker" phenomenon. It may appear to others as if the child has been forced or manipulated but the child asserts (and may believe) that the alienation is completely self-generated.

Fifth: Absence of guilt about the treatment of the targeted parent. Alienated children generally behave as if the targeted parent has no feelings and is completely unworthy of common human decency. An alienated child may reject all gifts from the targeted parent or accept gifts but refuse to show appreciation by declaring that the targeted parent doesn’t deserve it.

Sixth: Reflexive support for the alienating parent in the parental conflict. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with inter-parental conflicts. The child concludes that the alienating parent is always right and the targeted parent is always wrong, even when there is considerable evidence to the contrary.

Seventh: Use of borrowed scenarios. Alienated children often make accusations towards the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted wholesale from the alienating parent, even using words and concepts that the child does not understand and cannot define. This is what gives alienated children the appearance of brainwashing.

Eight: The rejection of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so too are his or her entire family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are suddenly avoided and rejected.

Research with targeted parents and adults who believe that when they were children they were alienated from one parent by the other parent has debunked three myths:

Myth 1: Only mothers are alienators and only fathers are targeted parents. Research has clearly demonstrated that fathers can be alienating parents and that some mothers can and do lose their children due to parental alienation.

Myth 2: Parental alienation only occurs in divorcing/divorced families. Research has demonstrated that parental alienation can and does occur in intact families. One parent can turn a child against the other parent (using the alienation strategies) even when the two parents are married and living together.


Myth 3: Only custodial parents can alienate a child from the other parent. Research has also found that even noncustodial parents can be alienators.

Myth 4: Children always align with the better/healthier parent so there is nothing to worry about if the other parent is using alienation strategies. Unfortunately, research has shown that some children do succumb to the pressure to reject a good and loving parent.

If a parent is concerned about the possibility that the other parent is using alienation strategies to interfere with his or her relationship with the child, appropriate mental health and legal assistance should be sought immediately. A first step is to ensure that the professionals on the team understand that parental alienation exists and that the myths listed above are just that, myths.

It is especially important for women to be knowledgeable about parental alienation because these myths may lead a mother (or her attorney and therapist) to conclude that she is not experiencing it and that she has nothing to worry about because as a custodial mother, she could never lose her child to parental alienation. Awareness of these myths is the first step in diagnosing and intervening in parental alienation, a painful and tragic problem that has devastating long-term effects for both the targeted parent and the child.

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Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. has a doctorate in developmental psychology and is the author of "Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind, W.W. Norton, April 2007. She can be reached at amyjlbaker@aol.com. Her website offers resources for targeted parents, at www.amyjlbaker.com

Did You Know Parental Alienation Is A Form Of Domestic Violence?
by Penny Fisher

March 22, 2011

While Domestic Violence (DV) is any form of direct or indirect abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or spiritual), Parental Alienation (PA) is:

1. child abuse
2. spousal abuse by proxy using children as weapons or to hide behind while hurting and/or destroying a parent; when domestic violence (overt) goes underground (covert) and an excuse to continue abuse

Abuse is a Mentality, Not a Gender

Abuse is about power and control. Both men and women abuse.  Both alienate children to continue to control and exert power over a spouse when direct abuse is not possible. Parental Alienation (PA) dates back thousands of years.  An example of an alienating mother is the Greek tragedy of Medea. She brags to her husband, Jason, “I have [killed our sons] because I loathed you more than I loved them”.  Patriarchal laws have condoned alienating fathers’ behaviour because women and children were the property of men.  During the late 19^th to 20^th centuries and after women were given the vote, women and children’s rights came into social consciousness and challenged acceptable patriarchal norms.   Only recently has alienation been documented through the courts differently. 

Living in a PA Situation

What happens to victims of DV also happens to child victims of PA.  Both come under the influence of the abuser.   The abuser’s aim is to gain the trust of the victim very quickly because their façade of goodness is not sustainable.  The goal is to win at all costs. The method is to divide and conquer.  That’s why abusers isolate victims from their support systems.  A significant difference between victims of DV and PA is the speed changes occur in the victim.  Changes in the DV victim can happen slowly.  In PA, the child can literally change overnight.  Many parents have described this as an “alien abduction”.  The child looks and sounds the same, but it’s not them.  Someone else has taken over their body.

Dr. Amy Baker with the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection states  “alienation from a parent occurs on a continuum” (Andre & Baker, 2009) from mild to severe Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).  At its worst, PAS consists of 8 behaviours that contrast sharply with an abused child:

TPs describe the environment of conflict synonymous to living in a cult (Baker, 2005).  The AP is the cult leader.  The child is a cult member biologically related to the leader.  The TP becomes the evil defector or simply the enemy. 

Belonging is a powerful motivator that an AP uses to full advantage.  A child is forced to choose between parents.  Those not strong enough to stand against the pressure succumb to ally with the AP.”If you can’t beat ‘em, join” is also known as “traumatic bonding” or “Stockholm syndrome”. Who they were prior to alienation is buried deep down inside.  Their thoughts, feelings and voices become one with the alienating/abusive.  Children profess a “hatred” for the previously loved TP and an obsessive love for the AP.  There is no ambivalence in their claims. Authority and status as a human being of the TP is completely undermined. TPs suffer an never-ending grief and mourn the relationship that used to be. 

It’s easier for a child to do bad things to TPs they believe they hate than a loving parent.  It’s not who the child really is deep down inside—the core personality.  It’s what he/she has had to do in order to survive life with the AP.  TPs are often side-swiped by this bewildering behaviour.  The environment becomes a parent-child relationship conflict, sometimes with violence without remorse. The AP sits back to watch and laugh at the success of a “divide and conquer” tactic. While the focus centres on the parent-child conflict, no one pays attention to what the AP is truly doing.

THE CHILD IS A VICTIM OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THEM

Why PA Training For Professionals Is Essential

CAS currently investigates child protection concerns of assaults on a child only. CAS needs to investigate when child assaults a sibling or parent.  Something in the violent child needs to be addressed.  DV still exists in the home that siblings are subjected to and/or witness violence by a child. 

A PAS child can appear quite “normal” except when confronted by their feelings for the TP. To an untrained professional, the PAS child’s behaviour also can be mistaken as Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  TPs attempting to explain what’s really going on to professionals often appear unstable, overly emotional over even crazy.  AP appears the victim outside of the parent-child conflict they create.  As in DV, the roles between the victim and abuser switch.  The victim is perceived as the perpetrator; the abuser the victim.  Authorities fall victim to the AP when they can and do believe the “gaslighting” (Fisher, 2010).  Role reversal hallmarks PA and DV.

Unfortunately, part of the PA process involves false abuse allegations.  Timing and accountability of allegations are important.  History of DV in marriage should have more importance to current custody claims than "in the past". 

"The ratio of parental alienation happening in relationships where domestic violence occurs is 1:1."

Madame Justice Sheilagh O'Connell

Children desperately need help through prevention and early intervention by professionals who work with them.
Active monitoring and diligent case management can eliminate another tactic APs use—delay. The longer the PA status quo is allowed to continue, the effects become long lasting, severe, permanent and inter-generational permeating every aspect of life.

Untimely, children are collateral damage in the war the AP wages against the TP.  Damage to the children can be extreme including the murder of children, child suicide (Richardson, 2004) or children murdering a parent (Houston, TX).  When no longer needed by the AP, children are often devalued, discarded and replaced by someone else.

Damage PA does to a child is insidious but no less damaging than DV. Only the AP benefits from PA.