Phase 1 - TENSION BUILDING: Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser.	Phase 2 - INCIDENT: Verbal and emotional abuse.  Anger, blaming, arguing.  Threats.  Intimidation.
Phase 3 - RECONCILIATION: Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.	Phase 4 - CALM: Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place.

Forced marriages

By Hoori Hamboyan, Counsel, Family, Children and Youth Section, Justice Canada
Based on an interview with Deepa Mattoo - lawyer with the South Asian Legal Clinic of Ontario (SALCO)

The South Asian Legal Clinic of Ontario (SALCO), whose lawyers advocate on behalf of those wanting to prevent or end a forced marriage, has created ‘The Right to Choose,’ a toolkit to raise public awareness that forced marriage is a human rights violation.

Forced marriage is not the same as an arranged marriage. In an arranged marriage, both parties give their full and free consent while in cases of forced marriage, one or both of the spouses do not consent.  People of all cultural backgrounds have experienced forced marriages.  In Canada, forced marriages sometimes happen within newcomer communities that fear the erosion of their ethnic identity.

Forced marriage is a form of family violence. One example of a forced marriage might be where parents take their daughter to their country of origin for a so-called family holiday, and upon arrival she discovers that her spouse has been chosen and her wedding is imminent. If she does not show willingness to comply, family members might use physical, sexual or emotional abuse or forced confinement to force the marriage. People forced into marriages often experience ongoing violence including sexual assault throughout the marriage.

All Canadians need to be aware that forced marriage is a form of family violence, and as such, it is illegal. For more information on forced marriage or SALCO’s toolkit, please visit
http://www.forcedmarriages.ca .

Addressing family violence in settlement services for newcomers to Canada

By Citizenship and Immigration Canada

Citizenship and Immigration Canada’s Settlement Program, which helps permanent residents settle and integrate successfully into Canadian life, includes a number of components that address family violence.

The program’s information and awareness services include orientation sessions and publications that speak to domestic violence and the rights of women and children, specifically as they relate to Canadian law and legal/police services. They also provide pre- and post-arrival information for immigrants to Canada—about life in Canada, rights and responsibilities, and health services.

As part of its needs assessment, referral and support services, the Settlement Program helps victims of family violence reach the counselling services and care available in the community.

Language Instruction for Newcomers to Canada (LINC) classes include family violence topics such as cultural differences regarding spousal abuse, child discipline and elder abuse. This is a component of broader language learning and skills development services which provide language, literacy and numeric instruction, language learning circles and life skills training.

For more information on the Settlement Program, please visit: http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/newcomers/before-settlement.asp

Information services for newcomers who have been victim of a crime

By Sylviane Lamothe, Victim Services, Correctional Service Canada

Immigrants to Canada have diverse cultural backgrounds and experiences. Some arrive from countries where police, corrections and the justice system are viewed negatively—leading them to feel distressed and isolated if they become victims of crime. They may also be hesitant to seek help. The Correctional Service of Canada (CSC) provides confidential services to Canadian residents harmed by federal offenders, treating them with fairness and respect. 

The National Victim Services Program of CSC helps crime victims understand the correctional process, contributes to their safety and wellbeing, and assists with the healing process. Victims of crime can access information about the offender who harmed them provided the offender is serving a federal sentence of two or more years. The program has staff dedicated exclusively to providing this information, receiving victim statements, referring victims for additional services and giving information about the correctional system.
 
CSC is also committed to ensuring that victims of crime have an effective voice in the federal corrections and criminal justice systems. To this end, victims can provide important and relevant information to CSC about an offender, as well as any safety concerns they may have. This information helps CSC determine and decide upon temporary absences or work releases as well as an offender’s programming needs, risk level and security level. 

To learn more, please contact CSC Victim Services toll free at 1-866-806-2275 .

What effect do abusive relationships have on the partners of abusers?

Both emotional and physically abusive relationships take a deep toll on the partners of abusers. Self-esteem is worn down, sense of options evaporates, self-care is compromised, and the power of choice is eroded. Partners of abusers may experience clinical depression, denial, chemical dependency, extreme codependency, and suicidal ideation or attempts.  The abused partner frequently clings desperately to the abuser, believing that it's all they deserve or will ever get (otherwise known as Stockholm Syndrome).  Belonging is a powerful motivator.
Partners of abusers experience denial of the abusiveness, both from their partners and internally.  This denial is very much like the denial experienced by addicts, and just as life threatening.  Denial and the loss of self-esteem often cause the abused partner to remain extremely loyal to the abuser. (Until the denial about the abusiveness is broken through.)

Chemical dependency in one or both partners is extremely common in abusive relationships.  The isolation of abusive relationships provides an ideal climate for the progression of addictions.  You see only what they show you as reality.

There is a way out!

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove your-self totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

The following passage is from the book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel, MFCC. Although the book is directed at women, it applies equally to both sexes.

Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced by abusers that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they are led to believe they have nowhere else to go.

There is a way out!  Abusive relationship recovery is a long and painful process. The first step is realizing that you cannot change your partner's treatment of you.  If they are unwilling to seek help or acknowledge the abuse remove yourself from the situation. Find a shelter or move in with safe friends. Sever all ties, as the abuse may escalate when you leave.

Ongoing contact with the abuser can throw you back into the shame spiral and keep you from moving forward with recovery. (One of the tactics of abusers is to grind your self-esteem down so that you remain with them, believing you can't have or don't deserve better treatment.) 

Working with others who have experienced what you've been through can help break the denial and rebuild self-esteem.  Honor yourself.

Two Basic Types of Aggression
By George K. Simon

There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities
Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.

How Do I Respond to a Woman Who is Being Abused?

RESOURCE ; SPRINGTIDE

 

We know that abused women still rely most on friends, neighbours and family for support and help. You may also suspect or know that someone close to you is being abused.

 

Here are some ways you can help:

·         Be supportive

·         Listen to her, believe her, and don't judge her. Let her know she is not alone.

·         Give her time to make her own decisions. Don't tell her what to do, or that she should go back and try a little harder. Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.

·         Let her talk about the caring parts of the relationship. Don't put her down for staying with her partner.

·         Instead, share information on how abuse gets worse over time if no one does anything about it.

·         Help her focus on the good things about herself and about her children. But don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.

·         Respect her confidentiality - keep things private if she asks you to.

·         Help her find services. Find out about services she can use and tell her about them.

·         Depending on her needs, make sure they:

·         offer language or cultural interpretation

·         are accessible to people with disabilities

·         can care for her children if she needs it

·         are gay-positive if that's important to her.

·         Never recommend joint family or couple counselling if there is emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for a woman. If they want counselling, separate counselling can be helpful.

• Help her plan for an emergency
• Safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her. Help her plan an emergency exit. Don't put yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
• Encourage her to get ready to leave home in a hurry. Help her get together

·         Here are some ways you can help:

• Be supportive
• Listen to her, believe her, and don't judge her. Let her know she is not alone.
• Give her time to make her own decisions. Don't tell her what to do, or that she should go back and try a little harder. Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
• Let her talk about the caring parts of the relationship. Don't put her down for staying with her partner.
• Instead, share information on how abuse gets worse over time if no one does anything about it.
• Help her focus on the good things about herself and about her children. But don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
• Respect her confidentiality - keep things private if she asks you to.

·         Help her find services. Find out about services she can use and tell her about them.

·         Depending on her needs, make sure they:

o    offer language or cultural interpretation

o    are accessible to people with disabilities

o    can care for her children if she needs it

o    are gay-positive if that's important to her.

·         Never recommend joint family or couple counselling if there is emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for a woman. If they want counselling, separate counselling can be helpful.

·         Help her plan for an emergency

·         Safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her. Help her plan an emergency exit. Don't put yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.

·         Encourage her to get ready to leave home in a hurry. Help her get together

The Types of Abuse include… Physical: hitting, punching, beating, slapping, pulling hair, use of weapons, mutilation, burning, biting, destruction of property, punching holes in walls, threatening physical harm, murder Sexual: any forced sexual contact ranging from unwanted touching to rape, harassment Verbal: threats, insults, name-calling, unjust blaming and accusing, swearing, shouting Psychological/Emotional: withholding love, sympathy or understanding, inadequate physical or emotional care, isolation, intimidation, extreme jealousy, destroying property, threatening to commit suicide, parental alienation Financial: stealing, withholding money and/or denying access to employment opportunities, preventing access to household financial information, making you work for them, running up debt in your name, deliberately not contributing financially to the household Spiritual: belittling a person’s spiritual beliefs or preventing them from attending the church, synagogue or temple of their choice	Family Violence Prevention: Additional Resources Aboriginal Children Men Women Older Adults Family Violence Metropolitan Action Committee on Violence Against Women and Children metrac.org National Clearinghouse on Family Violence www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/familyviolence www.abuseofpower.info Great information for both Advocates and Survivors of abuse by partners who are Police officers.
The United Nations (Commission on the Status of Women, 1993) defines violence against women as: "…any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty whether occurring in public or private life." One out of every four Canadian women will suffer some type of abuse during her lifetime and every year, one in 10 Canadian women is physically battered by her partner. Domestic violence and abuse occurs in all socio-economic groups and cultural/religious backgrounds and it affects women of all ages. Domestic assault is a crime.
The Cycle of Abuse Domestic violence (also called wife abuse, family violence and partner assault) is rarely a one-time occurrence. It usually takes place as part of a cycle that includes the following phases… Tension-building stage: Insults and other verbal attacks; minor abusive situations; victim tries to be compliant, "walks on eggshells," and feels helpless; atmosphere becomes increasingly more oppressive. Violent episode: Built-up tensions erupt into incidents ranging from severe verbal/emotional abuse to physical/sexual assault and can last from a few minutes to a few days, depending on the relationship. It is during this time that a woman is most likely to be seriously injured or killed by her partner. Honeymoon stage: Following a violent episode the abuser is usually contrite and attentive; the victim once again recognizes the person she first fell in love with and may be inclined to believe his promises to change. Unless there is some form of intervention, the cycle usually repeats itself with the violent episodes escalating in frequency and intensity.
A Safety Plan Women who are at risk of violence by their partners are strongly advised to develop a personalized safety plan as a first step in protecting themselves and their children. The following will help you create your plan – if you need more help, call The Assaulted Womens's Help Line   at 416.863.0511 or Toll free at 1.866.863.0511. • Know the quickest route out of your home. Practice escaping that way. • Know the quickest route out of your workplace. Practice escaping that way. • Know the route to shelters, police stations, hospitals, fire stations and public places/stores opened 24 hours a day • Pack a bag and have it ready. Keep it somewhere where it is hidden but easy to grab. • Tell your neighbours about the abuse and ask them to call the police if they hear a disturbance. • Have a code word to use with your children, family and friends. They will know to call the police and get you help. •Teach your children how to reach help (e.g dialing 911, going to a neighbour) in an emergency situation. • Use your instincts. • Plan in advance where you would go in an emergency and how to get there. Take the following with you: identification, health records, money, bank/credit cards, keys, medication, legal papers, important phone numbers, jewelry/photos/sentimental items, a few items of clothing and favourite toys/blankets.	You have the right to protect yourself and your children. About Abuse Power and control Imbalance Tactics of fear guilt obligation Manipulation Taking and giving unequal Dependent Selfishness Tears one down to build up the other Double standards Entitlement Silence Isolation & exclusion Enslavement Obedience Blind faith punishment

Violence against women and girls is an extreme human rights violation, a public health epidemic and a barrier to solving global challenges such as extreme poverty, HIV/AIDS and famine. It devastates the lives of millions of women and girls— in peacetime and in conflict — and knows no national or cultural barriers.

"SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED"

The Art of Saying "NO"

 

What exactly is The Art of Saying No?

 

A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel pressurised when someone senior to them needs something done.

 

There are even some work places where saying no is definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police force, could be a sackable or disciplinary offence.

 

After having worked for some time with people where saying no either feels impossible or just isn't allowed, we created a body of work to address it. In some cases it is indeed, how to say no without ever saying the word.

 

Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is a necessity. But in our experience, there is so much anxiety around the possible consequences of using it, that people don't say anything at all, or agree to things they'd rather not, or get landed with work that isn't theirs and so on.

 

That can't be good for anyone, but especially the person who finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their own work done after they've finished everyone else's; or who swallows their resentment when they are 'volunteered' for something they don't want to do; or who quakes at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they manage.

 

It's Not Assertiveness

 

The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of the same.

 

Well, no it isn't, and here's why.

 

We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. For instance, people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive, as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation. It isn't. If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate.

 

So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate.

 

Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do.

 

Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around.

 

There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. The first is that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed. The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.

 

Not Nice Not Nasty

 

This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. When, in fact, they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty).

 

What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a broken record - all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own good. The concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your own way) needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour. It can include humour, submission, irresponsibility, manipulation, playfulness, aggressiveness, etc.

 

The key point here is that the behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty - is chosen. We emphasise the word key, because until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.

 

Managing Feelings

 

It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid. Once people do that, then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign that something new is happening. At this point people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening.

 

The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don't like. They can choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. They then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have to be compliant or nice.)

 

Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'. In fact, you ignore those feelings at your peril.

 

Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every similar situation will be the same.

 

It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour. Many people know what they could say; they know what they could do. Most 'unassertive' people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say 'yes', while their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here.

 

Therefore, in looking at practising 'the art of saying no', it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn't about becoming more assertive; rather it's about changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances.

 

While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight jacket of it's own (often creating resistance and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is choice in the matter. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality.

 

If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb.

 

Saying No

 

Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say 'no'.

 

1.    If you're saying something serious, notice whether you smile or not. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of what you're saying.

 

2.    If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more in charge, stand up. This also works when you're on the phone. Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological advantage.

 

3.    If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they want, avoid encouraging body language, such as nods and ahas. Keep your body language as still as possible.

 

4.    Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested (such as, 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?' etc.)

 

5.    It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of, 'I'm really sorry; I'm going to interrupt you.' Then use whatever tool fits the situation. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they could get the impression you're interested and willing. All the while they get no message to the contrary, they will think you're on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever...)

 

6.    Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for something), let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you want. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help you out, but I just can't.'

 

7.    Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don't want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, 'I need to let everyone know right at the top, that I can't fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).'

 

Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.

 

Here's an Analogy:

 

Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of them. The first house has a Yale lock on the front door. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.

 

Which would you burgle?

 

When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back. By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. You become more burglar-proof.

 

Changing Others by Changing Yourself

 

A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with, or feel intimidated by, would change. Then everything would be all right. We've all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I wouldn't be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining about my work, I'd be much happier.'

 

'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want.

 

It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives, or when we're feeling hard done by. If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. It's also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves.

 

What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better at 'the art of saying no'; none of us has to change our whole personalities to create a more satisfying outcome!

 

This article was forwarded from SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED using FeedBlitz.

Evidence rules leave Canadian girls and women with disabilities open to sex abuse